Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part eight



And so there he sits. In our back seat. I can’t stop looking in the rear mirror. If I crash this car, it’ll make headline news around the world. For some reason that’s both intimidating and highly appealing at the same time.

“Listen,” I say. “Why did the city council not buy Hunter’s house? Make it into a public museum?”

“Depp wanted to do that. But then came a disagreement with Hunter’s wife. And then Johnny backed away. He actually came here to live. In Hunter’s basement when they were doing Fear and Loathing. And he is such a method actor that he, step by step, did what Hunter did. Ate like shit. Did the drugs. Watched the porno films, drank at Woody Creek Tavern and so on.”

“Why did he kill himself? Hunter, I mean.”

“Who knows. There were speculations, if he did it in the chimney or in the oven. Cause he didn’t want to leave a mess. He shot himself while his wife and child were in the next room. But Joe will know. Here! It’s here! We’ve found it. Stop the car!”

What? Where? We look at an empty ground. I roll down the window to suggest interest, but there is nothing to see. You can’t even see if a house was here once. Lance says hmm. And then we just drive on. That was it. It’s over. The search is over.


Lance Armstrong: The History Man, Parts 1 to 12. 



Jakob Kristian begins fiddling with the camera. Lance with his phone. Truth is I’ve never read a line of Hunter S. Thompson. And I imagine it’s the same with Jakob Kristian and possibly even Lance, although he does quote Hunter on his Twitter profile. But, of course. We had to do this.

Besides. Drugs are no strangers to any of us. We’ve already tried to find the drug kingpin in town, because with all these celebrities living here, you know the drugs are drifting around too. Lance says he doesn’t know, and we believe him. We’ve been asking around but get nothing.

“Okay.” Lance breaks the silence. “Here’s Hunter’s drug itinerary. I found it.” Jakob Kristian drops the camera, turns to look at Lance and says “Go!”

“3:00p.m. That’s right now: Wake up! 3:05 Chivas Regal with the morning papers and a cigarette. 3:45 cocaine. 3:50 another glass of Chivas and a cigarette. 4:05 first cup of coffee and a cigarette. 4:15 cocaine. 4:16 orange juice and a cigarrette. 4:30 cocaine, 4:54 cocaine, 5:05 cocaine, 5:11 coffee. And a cigarette!”


“5:30 more ice in the Chivas. 5:45 cocaine etc. etc. 6:00 Pot. To take the edge off the day.”

“Ha haha!”

“7:05 Woody Creek Tavern for lunch. That’s lunch! A Heineken, two margaritas, coleslaw, a taco salad, a double order of fried onion rings, carrot cake, ice cream, a bean fritter, Dunhills, another Heineken, cocaine, and for the ride home, a snow cone which is a glass of shredded ice over which is poured three or four jiggers of Chivas.”

Jakob Kristian looks like he always does when he suddently has something to take pictures of. “I love this. And I totally believe it,” he says. “9:00. Starts snorting cocaine seriously.”

“Ah haha haha!”

“10:00 drops acid. 11:00 Chartreuse, cocaine, grass. 11:30 cocaine, etc. etc. 12 o’clock, boys…”

“Read it!”

“He is ready to write.”

“Haha hahahah!”

“12:05-6:00a.m. Chartreuse, cocaine, grass, Chivas, coffee, Heineken, clove cigarettes, grapefruit, Dunhills, orange juice, gin. Continuous pornographic movies. 6:00 Hot tub. Champagne. Dove Bars. Fettuccine Alfredo. 8:00 A sleeping pill, Halcion. 8:20 He goes to sleep.”

“Mail that right now!” I say.

“Of course. Turn left. See that green truck. We are here. That’s the Aspen Golf club house.”


We park. Get out. In two minutes, Joe The Sheriff will tell us we did it all wrong, Hunter’s house is still there, yes, so where did we go, did we go down Woody Creek Tavern, nooh, says Lance, and explains where we went, and then Joe The Sheriff says nooh, you guys went to the wrong place, the house, it is still there, and then Lance, he says, oh, let’s just play the game, and Joe The Sheriff wants to know if we are following them around, so Lance says, yeah, these dudes will follow us around, so we’ll put them in a golf cart, but only for a couple of holes, because they might just mess up my game, just look at them.

Says Lance.

Next: Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part nine

Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part one

Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part two

Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part three

Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part four

Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part five

Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part six

Lance Armstrong: The History Man – part seven

From Rouleur issue 52.



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